Needy.

Almost two weeks ago I was in a car accident. For anyone who has been close to me the past few years knows this is just par for the course. My car has experienced 6 accidents over the almost-5 year period since I've owned it, none of which were my fault - although the insurance docked me for the hydroplaning incident - two of which I wasn't even in the car for. It's been a wild ride to say the least.

The other times have been easier to deal with. Just call the insurance, do what they say, and move on.

This time was different though.

The hydroplaning was the scariest thing that has ever happened in my life. And this coming so soon after added to the trauma. I felt like I really had been through a traumatic experience.

I, in typical-Annie fashion, however, didn't really let myself feel it for a little while.

After it happened my car was drivable so I jumped back in and continued to my destination.

I hugged my family (thank God for moms and siblings).

I went to bed, got up and went to work the next day, like nothing even happened.

I only told one person at church that day.

If I don't feel it, if I don't say it, it isn't real, it didn't happen.

But it was real.

It happened.

And every time I walked to my car the dents were staring at me.

It happened.

It was real.

So then, I felt it.

I shed a few tears. I told my mom that this one actually upset me. I slept in on Monday and went to the office late. I told my pastor and the rest of the staff. I called the insurance. I admitted that getting behind the wheel made my back tense up and gave me a headache. I recognized my anxiety when anyone in another car came too close to me. I decided I couldn't wait for the insurance anymore so I took it to the body shop even though I didn't have a rental car because I just couldn't "deal" anymore.

Then I took a breath.

I called my brother.

And I became the needy sister/coworker/friend who can't do everything on her own.

You're reading this and thinking, "That's what brothers, and sister-in-laws, and friends are for!"

And I'm thinking, "If roles were reversed, I'd be saying the same thing to you. But you don't understand. I'm me. I'm I-can-handle-this. I'm Miss I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. I'm I-take-care-of-it-and-make-sure-its-done-perfectly. I'm me. And I am responsible for my own life and my own messes and I do what needs to be done and I don't need you."

But I do.

I need you.

And this week has been challenging for me.

4 days without a car.

4 days needing rides.

4 days of limited freedom.

4 days of phone calls where I repeat myself over and over.

4 days of lip biting, nail polish chipping, neck tightening anxiety.

4 days of looking at my feet in embarrassment when I ask someone for help - again, for the 4th day in a row.

4 days of I actually can't do this alone.

4 days.

4 days of thankfulness.

4 days of humility.

4 days of lessons learned.

I'm thankful to be gainfully employed and privileged enough for this to only be for 4 days. I'm thankful for family and friends who help without hesitation or frustration. I'm thankful for a church that has literally been my sanctuary for the past week and a half. I am thankful for the one nice person who works at one of the 7 rental car companies who actually did everything she could to find me a car. I'm thankful.

And I'm humbled. I'm humbled by my need. Humbled by my inability to do all of it, everything by myself. My pride came with my fall on this one, and putting it aside was a lesson I desperately needed to learn right now.

I've been reminded that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is ask for help. The strongest thing you can do is ask God, "Why is this happening? And will you help me fix it even if you don't answer my first question?" The strongest thing you can do is tell someone you need them and communicate your problem with the hope and trust that they will respond positively and helpfully.

Life is hard.
But at least we don't have to live it alone.