Needy.

Almost two weeks ago I was in a car accident. For anyone who has been close to me the past few years knows this is just par for the course. My car has experienced 6 accidents over the almost-5 year period since I've owned it, none of which were my fault - although the insurance docked me for the hydroplaning incident - two of which I wasn't even in the car for. It's been a wild ride to say the least.

The other times have been easier to deal with. Just call the insurance, do what they say, and move on.

This time was different though.

The hydroplaning was the scariest thing that has ever happened in my life. And this coming so soon after added to the trauma. I felt like I really had been through a traumatic experience.

I, in typical-Annie fashion, however, didn't really let myself feel it for a little while.

After it happened my car was drivable so I jumped back in and continued to my destination.

I hugged my family (thank God for moms and siblings).

I went to bed, got up and went to work the next day, like nothing even happened.

I only told one person at church that day.

If I don't feel it, if I don't say it, it isn't real, it didn't happen.

But it was real.

It happened.

And every time I walked to my car the dents were staring at me.

It happened.

It was real.

So then, I felt it.

I shed a few tears. I told my mom that this one actually upset me. I slept in on Monday and went to the office late. I told my pastor and the rest of the staff. I called the insurance. I admitted that getting behind the wheel made my back tense up and gave me a headache. I recognized my anxiety when anyone in another car came too close to me. I decided I couldn't wait for the insurance anymore so I took it to the body shop even though I didn't have a rental car because I just couldn't "deal" anymore.

Then I took a breath.

I called my brother.

And I became the needy sister/coworker/friend who can't do everything on her own.

You're reading this and thinking, "That's what brothers, and sister-in-laws, and friends are for!"

And I'm thinking, "If roles were reversed, I'd be saying the same thing to you. But you don't understand. I'm me. I'm I-can-handle-this. I'm Miss I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. I'm I-take-care-of-it-and-make-sure-its-done-perfectly. I'm me. And I am responsible for my own life and my own messes and I do what needs to be done and I don't need you."

But I do.

I need you.

And this week has been challenging for me.

4 days without a car.

4 days needing rides.

4 days of limited freedom.

4 days of phone calls where I repeat myself over and over.

4 days of lip biting, nail polish chipping, neck tightening anxiety.

4 days of looking at my feet in embarrassment when I ask someone for help - again, for the 4th day in a row.

4 days of I actually can't do this alone.

4 days.

4 days of thankfulness.

4 days of humility.

4 days of lessons learned.

I'm thankful to be gainfully employed and privileged enough for this to only be for 4 days. I'm thankful for family and friends who help without hesitation or frustration. I'm thankful for a church that has literally been my sanctuary for the past week and a half. I am thankful for the one nice person who works at one of the 7 rental car companies who actually did everything she could to find me a car. I'm thankful.

And I'm humbled. I'm humbled by my need. Humbled by my inability to do all of it, everything by myself. My pride came with my fall on this one, and putting it aside was a lesson I desperately needed to learn right now.

I've been reminded that sometimes the strongest thing you can do is ask for help. The strongest thing you can do is ask God, "Why is this happening? And will you help me fix it even if you don't answer my first question?" The strongest thing you can do is tell someone you need them and communicate your problem with the hope and trust that they will respond positively and helpfully.

Life is hard.
But at least we don't have to live it alone.

Haughty Eyes and Strife.

I've been thinking a lot lately about judgement.

Not the eternal kind.

But our tendency as humans to judge others.

For what they believe, or don't believe.

For the way they dress, or don't dress.

For the kind of car they drive, or don't drive.

For the words they say, or don't say.

For the thoughts we assume they think, or don't think.

For the way they act, or don't act.

For seriously, anything. Judgement.

And I don't only mean the obvious ways of judgement: giving someone a dirty look or talking about them behind their back or spewing harsh words in their face (or on Facebook).

I mean the subtleties.

The small passive-aggressive comments.

The little voice in your head that says, "They aren't good because they do this."

The slight pulling away of your body when your in the middle of a conversation.

The little things that tell you that you are uncomfortable with whatever is happening. And if you are uncomfortable, it's obviously wrong and whoever said the thing or did the thing might be bad, or unsafe, or crazy.

Yes, we need to listen to our gut to protect ourself from a possibly scary situation. But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about when someone simply says something you don't agree with. Something that might put a dent or a crack in the walls of the box where you have your beliefs and view of how the world "should be."

It's uncomfortable to think we judge others. Most of us pretend like we don't, and most of us are liars. If we are truly honest, we admit this fault.

We all have this list of things God hates. We all have an idea of what is righteous and holy and if someone doesn't line up with that list perfectly, then we give ourselves the freedom to judge them. Because we are holier than them. We know better than them. We care more about scripture and justice and people and righteousness than them.

When we do this, though, we are doing something even more terrible than what they did to deserve our judgement. We are putting ourselves in the place of God. And do you know what God really hates? People who think they are God. People who act like they are God. People who think they know exactly what God thinks and because of their knowledge of God, can play God. God is a jealous God, and God doesn't like it when we act like God.

In the Old Testament, rulers were taken down or put in their place because they were acting like God or like they were above God's judgement - i.e. Pharaoh in Exodus, King Saul, even David. The people of Israel were cast out of their homes when they stopped listening to God. The Pharisees were chastised for thinking they knew what God wanted and for demonizing anyone who didn't follow their guidelines.

In Romans Paul argues that by judging others we are despising and turning away from the kindness, forbearance, and patience of God. We are refusing to let God's kindness lead us to repentance. We are self-seeking, attempting to make ourselves look and feel better than the one we are judging.

When we judge others, we lower them to a level where we see them as unacceptable.

News flash: We are all unacceptable.

We are also all human. all wanted. all loved. no matter what.

So what if someone does something terribly evil? What are we to do?

Hint: Not judge them.

Even murders and cheats and thieves and politicians and (insert your choice of "bad" people here).

Yes, even them.

Don't you know that God used people just like them to save the Hebrew people from slavery? To rule the chosen nation? To minister at Jesus' side and carry the Gospel to the nations after the resurrection?

We are all those type of people.

We are all persons.

So what are we to do?

Stop judging.

And.

Fight.

Fight - with yourself, with society, with whomever you need to - to see past the labels, to meet people where they are. To listen to their story and find their pain and lead them to healing. Because pain is an essential part of human experience, and tapping into your own pain to empathize with the hurts and needs of others in the best way to remind ourselves that we are all human. And we need each other to find God.

Stop judging.

Lead with kindness and peace and self control, because those are fruits of the Spirit. Those are what God gives us to survive in this messed up world.

During this season of Lent, God has already revealed the places where I pass judgement onto others. I am attempting to repent and change my subtle thoughts before they turn into defiant, cruel action. Maybe we can work on this together, person with person?

"There are six things which the Lord hate. Yes, seven that are an abomination to God:
Haughty eyes . . . and one who spreads strife among fellow persons." - Proverbs 6:16, 17a, 19b

"Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, when you judge others; for in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, are doing the very same things. You say, "We know that God's judgement on those who do such things is in accordance with truth." Do you imagine, whoever you are, that when you judge those who do such things and yet do them yourself, you will escape the judgement of God? Or do you despise the riches of God's kindness and forbearance and patience? Do you not realize that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" - Romans 2:1-5

"A person is a person because he/she recognizes others as persons." - Desmond Tutu

Warning.

Being a disciple is hard.

I hope that someone, somewhere in your spiritual walk and church life tells you as much. Being a "Christian" is easy. Going to church, giving a tithe, dressing up to show up at 11:00AM on Sunday morning is easy. Checking boxes, achieving those small tasks to be a "good Christian" is easy.

But being a disciple.

Following Jesus to the ends of the Earth, standing up for the ones church people look down on, having compassion for the ones who persecute you, loving a God who doesn't always talk back, standing up for what's right even when society says it's wrong, letting go of what we can't control, changing the things we can, being disrespected and underestimated, being a true minister of the Gospel, an actual Christ follower instead of a Sunday morning Christian is so very difficult.

This shouldn't come as a shock. Jesus warned us.

Yet, in our over-comfortable American life, we are shocked. When people disrespect us our response is, "But I'm respectful and hard-working. Why would you do this to me?!" When people try to tell us what we can and cannot do for the sake of the Gospel we say, "This is the land of God-given freedom! Don't tell me what to do!" We are raised with certain morals and ways of living and when anything goes against those, we are astonished and hurt.

But Jesus warned us. If we follow Him, we take up a cross. If we follow Him, we give up respect and comfort and certainty. If we follow Him, we will be misunderstood and disrespected and abandoned by people of this world, and probably even by the people of the religious world to which we are "supposed to" belong.

The more I read the Bible, the more I empathize with the 12. They didn't know what they were getting into, did they? They were following the Messiah, yes. But I don't think they knew how difficult that would be. They weren't aware of the struggle, loss, pain, and loneliness that comes with being a disciple. They didn't know that they actually had to put all of their faith, hope, and trust in God. Not until it was too late. And then, they had no other choice.

We have no other choice.

In order to be true ministers of the Gospel, true disciples, we have to put all of our faith, hope, and trust in God. We have to let go of our comfort, of our need to please others, of our desire to be respected. We have to sacrifice it all for the love of Christ, for the joy we find when we are fulfilled by the Spirit, for the peace we gain in union with God, for the hope that this crazy world isn't all that we have.

Being a disciple is hard.

But goodness, if it isn't worth it...


"Now when Jesus saw a crowd around Him, He gave orders to depart to the other side of the sea. Then a scribe came and said to Him, “Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go.”  Jesus said to him, “The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.” Another of the disciples said to Him, “Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Follow Me, and allow the dead to bury their own dead.”"
-Matthew 8:18-22 (NASB)

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

-Romans 5:1-5